PILIPILI

You remember Halima? 

One day we were out on a lunch date at TARBOUSH restaurant in Mombasa (if you have never heard about Tarboush restaurant, Google). it was on a Friday and the Friday special at Tarboush is Chicken Biryani.

We placed our order, Chicken biryani and Tamarind juice.

The meal was served plus they added a bowl of well prepared chili paste.

I was very hungry so pulled my plate towards me and proceeded to add a scoopful of the chili paste, as i was doing this the waiter serving us cautioned me "Braza hiyo pilipili ni mambo mbaya" but i dismissed him saying, mambo yangu haya, nimezoea. Camon' now! how can i show Halima that i fear hot Chili? I added another spoon of the Chili paste.

Coastal people do not use spoons or forks for eating, i took a handful of the Biriani and shoved it down my throat.

My people, i am telling you i did not get the flavour of Biriani on swallowing rather i got a burning sensation from the hot chili, my eyes became watery and at the same time nimeyakodoa kodo, i lost my breath, lost my speech, i was coughing, i was sweating..The thing was very hot.

I took my glass of Tamarind juice and gulped it down my throat like a thirsty camel, that did not help me much, i took Halima's glass and gulped it down my throat.

At least now the effect of the chili started subsiding, waiters had gathered round our table, everyone in the restaurant was looking at us.The waiters started ridiculing me "wajifanya bingwa kumbe huwezani", Halima wasn't making matters better as she was laughing at me saying, "hukulazimishawa na mtu, sasa wataka nifia hapa". Yenyewe niliaibika.

This time i did not leave my food to go to waste, i just scooped out the parts with the chili paste and continuing eating, we ordered for more Tamarind juice. 

From that onward i do not take any form of Chili in public.

SASHA's Mass....

People of the Catholic faith usually have Jumuiya's (small christian communities) where faithfuls congregate in the house of one of the Jumuiya members for prayers and a mass. Jumuiya's in our parish are scheduled for Sunday afternoons.

So on this day i was hosting the Jumuiya, we were having a mass on that day. Everything went on well untill when we were reciting the Apostle creed when Sasha started her own "mass". 

Sasha is my neighbour, a mother to three children two boys and 1 girl. Sasha is a woman of questionable character, i liken her to the "FERRY" it carries many vehicles, big and small, long and short. Sasha hosts many men visitors usually at night and anytime she hosts a man there is a "Molis" moment. We even petitioned the caretaker to evict her but we think the caretaker must have been given a "ride" as well because he is not willing to evict her .

Back to our mass, all of us were in that holy moment when everyone has submitted himself or herself to the lord, Sasha started her own mass, it started with her calling out on Jesus (ooh Jesus, Yesu wangu, Jesus, Jesus ooh Jesus), we all thought that she was praying hard then a "Molis' moment started but here it was Peter, ooh Peter this, ooh Peter that, ooh Peter up, ooh Peter down and so forth and so on. 

We all tried to mind our business but ilikua mtihani mgumu sana, she wasn't ending her "mass" infact it was getting louder and louder. Amidst the distraction we managed to finish our mass. The question from my fellow jumuiya members was how can i live in such a place.

After that incident all the tenants ganged up against Sasha and she was eventually evicted but damage on my reputation had already been done

My trouble was a people are judged by their behaviour, friends they keeps, where they live, how they dress, the car they drive etc.

Soap Opera!

Many years ago i was a Mono in some good Boys school somewhere in Kilifi County.

So one day during a bullying secession,  i was asked by some mean boy, "Wewe mono unapenda Soap gani?" I thought and i thought, i cant mention PANGA soap the one i am used to wash with back at home. I had to "jichocha" to create an impression that i wash with one of the finest soaps in the Kenyan market. So with a confident face  i answered CUSSONS IMPERIAL LEATHER. Si vijana waaliisha na kicheko, later i learnt they meant which soap opera i liked.

I was very embarrassed, for a moment i thought, I am so primitive, but from where i hailed from soaps are reserved for the female species, so i felt i am more of a man than the other boys who i guessed watched soap operas, CHEEEIIII.... ABOMINATION ABEG......

INJECTION

So on this day i was busy with my life around  my hood, it had rained heavily the previous night so as i was carefully hope, step and jumping i missed a stone which i intended to step on, slipped and sprained my ankle. 

The pain was too much, ooh, ooh ooh  the pain was excruciating thank God my "brakes" are perfect otherwise i would have made a map of i don't where on the blue jeans i had on.

As i was leaning on a wall wondering what to do next my friends come to find out what was happening to me, they decided to take me to a nearby dispensary for medical attention.

Now my Masaibu begun here, on reaching the dispensary i couldn't let the doctor access my injury, the pain was too much, the doctor instructed that i be given an intramuscular injection (butt injection) of a pain killer to help ease my pain so that he can access the extent of my injury. 

I was supported to the nurses station for me to get the injection, reaching there i find its Halima who is the duty nurse. Halima is a girl who many jamaa's in my hood have tried to woo including myself but she has proved to be a hard nut to crack. Halima beauty is flattering, Halima has the right curves at the right places, Halima eyes will make you forget all your troubles, Halima has this hair that i have seen any one else with. When Halima walks only the right places of her body move yaani Halima ni mtoto KIBOKO.

Back to my injection, Halima is here ushering me to a bed behind a curtain, i have been given priority because of the pain i am in. The problem is what i had underneath my jeans (ngotha) though clean had seen life, it was worse than a chainlink with some few strings holding it together. You had to wash it with caution lest you disintegrate it completely.  Yaani had put it on just to console myself myself that i had something on.

I could not let Halima have a glimpse at it, i was sweating profusely not because of the pain i was in but because of the predicament i was in with my ngotha. i decided that i must remove it, id rather face her when i am "Commando" (bila ngotha) than she see that mess. So i asked to be assisted to the washroom and with a lot of pain i removed it and put it in my pocket, i could not just throw it away, it had served me diligently and i had to give a state burial.

My friends going to Halima in Commando worked wonders she saw me as a weired but interesting person, she asked me why i was not putting on a ngotha and i told her that i wanted to get some fresh air. 

This incident made me get close to Halima, we exchanged contacts and yes i  won Halima's heart, she became my girlfriend... The rest is a story for another day... 

EMBARRASSING MOMENT

So the D day  arrived, my friend Immaculate was getting married to her long time lover Mutiso. The reception was hosted at a very beautiful, well manicured garden somewhere in Nairobi.

I had prepared for that day, i even traveled all the way to Mombasa to make my attire for the day - the fundi i trust with my cloth is based in Mombasa, nilijipanga properly. The theme for the wedding was white but i chose to play it safe with off white, lest i look like a zebra crossing (melanin things). As usual my tailor did not disappoint, he made a very nice African attire, i even tipped him handsomely in addition to his charges.

Back to the D day, i woke up very early to prepare, i arrived at the venue some minutes to 1300hrs, people had settled down, i can assure you i was the center of attention for quite sometime, i had called some other friends to keep me a seat at a vantage point so i joined them at their table.

The couple arrived from the photo secession, and after some dancing it was time for lunch, soon long lines formed to the serving points. The aroma from the food (biriani ya kuku) was just heavenly - i had recommended the cook from kilifi to the couple and he did not disappoint.

It was our turn to serve, the cook spotted me and choose to serve me himself, he did it and he did it generously. Remember my out of this world African attire? As i was walking back to my seat, down comes an Eagle, in the process of the Eagle grabbing a drumstick (the biggest of the four my friend the cook had served me generously), the Biriani puree splashed on my out of this world African attire creating a very ugly pattern. From being the center of attraction for being very "smart" now i am the center of attraction for my out of this world attire being ruined by i guess a hungry Eagle.

I was very embarrassed, i put the plate with the remaining food at some table and walked away to a a far corner, called a Uber and went back home. My day had just been ruined..

POWER OFF

One July morning, in my bathroom enjoying a warm morning bath, all lathered up whistling to Maua Sama & Hanstone song - Iokote, then all over sudden kaboom KPLC decided to misbehave,power off. The instant water heater i am using immediately goes from producing nice warm water to producing freezing cold water. I live in a four storeyed apartment and the metallic, yes i repeat metallic water tank is placed up on top of the building, here the principle of the higher you go the cooler it becomes applies. My whistling transforms from "Iokote" to "Mungu wangu we wajua sababu kwanini niyapitie haya" and start playing hide and seek with the water flowing from the shower and the shower cubicle being that big, you all know how "generous" these landlords are with space, i have no where to escape to from the cold water from the shower..... TORTURE!!

EMBARASSING MOMENT.

8:30 pm enjoying a meal of fried octopus and ugali, my family, my mother and my mother in law are with me at the table room, on television is a Mexican soap opera, then Diego and Paloma decide to do the "obscenities" of this world. You in my shoes, what would you have done?